“Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go.. Knowing me, knowing you is the best I can do” a heart breaking song from ABBA (one of my favourite songs actually!). Breaking up is probably one of the most difficult emotional turmoil a person has to undergo and no one is ever exempted from it. After all the happy moments, sad moments, all the memories you have had suddenly ends and that you’ll have to face the world alone, the pain is somewhat excruciating that you’d rather be injured physically (because physical trauma may heal), than being bombarded with the feeling of emotional hurt over and over again.
Below is the DABDA theory of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, this may seem a little awkward because this theory is originally a theory of coping death, but I sense that these stages did happen when I had my first break up, and I thought it would be nice to share it with you. Then on the later part, I will give good tips on how to move on.
1. Denial.
When we are confronted with unwanted emotional circumstances, we tend to deny that it is happening. We remove the thought that the relationship you have had is near ending and there is nothing more you can do about it.
2. Anger.
When we cannot deny the truth and it is really happening, we tend to be angry..right? We get angry to the person we had offered the last months or years of our life, or perhaps we blame ourselves for the outcome of what was once you happiness.
3. Bargain.
The stages doesn’t necessarily follow, but part of accepting the reality is bargaining. What ifs and If only are few of the words that will pop out. “If only I have been this kind, we would have not ended like this” or “What if I would this beautiful or sexy; maybe he’ll have second thoughts”. In this stage we tend to feel that there is still hope in fixing the relationship, thinking or what ifs and if only can patch up.
4. Depression.
Our tendency when emotional circumstances arise is to shy away from people, be withdrawn, keeping yourself from others and be lonely. You get to experience the feeling of having no reason to wake up each morning and no reason to smile. Who wouldn’t be sad? The very person you thought you had offered your smiles to and shared your happiness with, suddenly gets out of your life. And it is this very feeling that you would you would never love again.
5. Acceptance.
The final stage and definitely the most rewarding! This is when you finally realize that there is life beyond what has been for the past months/years and that losing the person meant giving you the opportunity to find the right one.
Here are some few good steps in moving on, you may or may not take the steps as it is. Have it modified, if you want to. Just choose what would probably help you cope with the pain:
1. Get a hold with God, your family and friends. My constant listener the time I was broken was God. Every night I prayed that He will heal my heart, and slowly He did. Your family and friends is the very people you can turn to. Always seek their advices, always ask for their guidance and make happy moments with them.
2. Acceptance is really not something we can make up our minds easily, as I stated above; it had to go undergo stages before you accept the reality. Acknowledge the truth that it is happening, deny it if you have to, but do not shy away completely from reality.
3. It is a common adaptation to keep ourselves busy, and it really works! The break-up I have had did get me into the stages of anger, bargaining and depression, and keeping myself busy is one way of coping these stages.
4. Discipline yourself not to get in contact with him/her or at least reduce the communication. Ex’s are called exs because they are already existent in the past. There is no more viable reason why you should communicate. Do not think that it’s a gesture of bitterness; it’s just a way of moving on and is something he/she should acknowledge.
5. Rejuvenate yourself. Have a haircut, change your hairstyle or just pamper yourself. Its way of telling yourself that you have risen from a deep sleep and you are invigorated to a new you.
6. If the end is something that is not clear between you and you are still hoping, get the closure. It’s best that you hear it directly from him/her. My acceptance of the break-up happened when he did confront me that he found a new love, that made me stop and moved on literally.
7. The pain itself is excruciating, but believe in the saying that, “you have to feel the pain until it hurts no more.” You’ll find yourself getting used to the feeling and eventually realize that you already had moved on.
8. Your relationship ended because you are not meant for each other. Recognize the thought that there is someone out there who is better than him/her. Meet new people. It’s not dating, it’s just accepting possibilities of a new love, if ever.
It is natural for us to go through sadness sometimes because life would be monotonous if we won’t feel other emotions than being happy. That’s why it’s called life, where you live with a variety of people; experience multiple events because only on this we would grow as a person.
See also
Breakup Survival Guide
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